What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
