How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
