yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
