Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
