I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We are two peas in an std pod
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
