oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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