Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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