No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
