I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
