just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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