i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
