Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
