i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
