they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
