First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
