No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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