Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
