I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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