I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
