I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
cat food counts as protein by the way
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
