just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
