I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
