Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
