I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
