she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
