the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
