I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
