And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
