his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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