this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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