Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
