We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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