did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I am spending my child support on dildos
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
