I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
