Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize