The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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