I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
