i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
