In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
