Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
