New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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