If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
