I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
