Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
