I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
