I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
