if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
