hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
