I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
