I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
