My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
