babies were throwing up all over the place
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
