I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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