I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
