We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
