That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
