I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize