I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize