Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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