Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Non-Jews are for practice
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
