i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
