I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
